What Makes Perimenopause Harder Than It Needs to Be (For Both Partners)

Perimenopause is a challenging time for everyone involved — especially the person experiencing it. But here’s the thing: it’s not just the physical and emotional symptoms that make it difficult. Peer-reviewed research has highlighted a key factor that makes this stage even harder — the dynamic between men and women in relationships during this time.

Did you know that societal expectations often leave men with a different emotional toolkit than women? Historically, women are expected to grow emotionally and take on the role of managing relationships, while men are not typically encouraged to develop the same emotional awareness or involvement. This discrepancy can make perimenopause even more difficult, both for women and their male partners.

The challenge here isn’t just about managing symptoms — it’s about the emotional disconnect that can happen. Perimenopause can bring a sense of loss, emotional upheaval, and a change in physical identity, and during this time, it’s essential for men to step up, engage, and be fully present for their partners. This doesn’t mean “fixing” the situation, but it does mean taking responsibility for your role in the relationship.

The “Knight in Shining Armor” Myth

You’ve probably heard the stories of the “knight in shining armor,” the heroic figure who’s always strong, always ready to fight the dragon, and always saves the day. In these stories, men are portrayed as fixers — they solve problems, battle challenges, and come to the rescue. But in real life, especially in relationships, “fixing” doesn’t always help.

When it comes to perimenopause, many men are conditioned to be “fixers,” but it’s crucial to understand that in most cases, your partner doesn't need fixing — she needs someone who will listen, understand, and share the emotional load. In relationships, we often seek to avoid discomfort, and listening can feel hard. But being there, emotionally present, and empathetic can make all the difference.

The Stigma of Middle-Aged Women in Perimenopause

Throughout history, women in middle age have often been depicted negatively in the media, like the “evil villain” in fairy tales. Think of Maleficent, the Evil Queen in Snow White, or Lady Tremaine in Cinderella — these were powerful female characters who were often portrayed as bitter or filled with resentment. The stereotype that “older women are difficult” persists in our society, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, perimenopause can feel like a major identity shift, and women often experience intense emotional and physical changes.

When perimenopause hits, it can feel like a partner is no longer the person you thought you married. This is confusing and scary, but it’s important to understand that this isn’t about “changing” her. It’s about supporting her through a complex transition — one that will require emotional maturity, patience, and a willingness to embrace the process of change, together.

What Can You Do? Listen, Don’t Fix

As a partner, you have two main choices: You can either try to “fix” the situation or you can listen and support. Fixing is tempting, but more often than not, your partner just needs someone who can listen — without offering solutions, judgments, or distractions.

We live in a culture that often discourages men from embracing emotional vulnerability. Many men are raised to “be strong,” to push down their feelings, and to focus on providing. But emotional health doesn’t mean being tough — it means being aware of, and responding to, your emotions and your partner’s needs.

Take sex, for example: It’s often misunderstood that men’s emotional connection to sex is only about physical pleasure. In truth, men are deeply connected emotionally through sex — it’s often a way to feel loved, reassured, and validated. When sex becomes more difficult during perimenopause, many men may panic, feeling disconnected or frustrated.

But this isn’t about feeling insecure or avoiding intimacy. This is about understanding that perimenopause is a shared challenge, not just one your partner is going through. And the more emotionally present you are, the more you can help her through it. You can be the emotional support she needs — not by “fixing” everything, but by becoming an ally who is present and engaged.

You Are Key to the Connection

I’m here to support both of you during this transition. By stepping up as an emotional partner, you’ll not only help ease the strain perimenopause can place on the relationship, but you’ll also improve your own emotional well-being and connection. This isn’t about being perfect; it’s about showing up with compassion, vulnerability, and a willingness to learn.

You don’t have to “fix” everything. Instead, you can:

• Be more emotionally available and show your partner you care by listening deeply.

• Take responsibility for household chores and responsibilities, helping create a balanced, supportive environment.

• Initiate emotional connection through romance and empathy — both inside and outside of the bedroom.

• Learn how to manage your own emotions, which will in turn help your partner feel supported.

Resources for You

I’ve created a list of resources to help you navigate this challenging time in a way that fosters growth, connection, and emotional intimacy. Remember, you are not alone in this. Becoming an ally to your partner through perimenopause can be a game-changer in how you both experience this phase of life.

• Go give her an orgasm and make sure you don’t forget the clitoris! This is the only human organ made purely for pleasure! Every orgasm is a clitoral orgasm because the clitoris surrounds the vagina. Become a learner of the Clitoris and Her queendom!! (This resource is first for a reason)

• Focus on Process, not Content in your interactions with your spouse! Process is what is really going on while Content is what you see, how you interpret her behavior, and the facts. By focusing on the process, you will be able to stay calm and meet her needs. Focusing on content usually sounds like a judgement and will escalate tension. You can find many great videos about Process vs. Content created by professionals. Also read here to learn more about this.

• Think of fun date nights that she doesn’t have to plan. Paint a picture of each other, go to the spa, make a fun dessert, try out a couple’s conversation deck, play charades, or give her a massage.

• Initiate a night where you discuss household chores and who will be in charge of what. Fair Play is an awesome deck of cards to start with. Let’s face it: your spouse most likely has taken the brunt of household chores. Change that and change your romance for the better!

• Plan a night where you talk only emotions. Let her share the worst parts of perimenopause. Really listen and be in tune with what’s coming up for you. Having trouble? Set up a therapy session to learn how to be more emotionally intelligent!