"If we allow ourselves to sit with the pain, instead of running from it, it changes.”

- David Kessler, Grief Expert

Avoiding the Grief Won’t Make the Grief Go Away

Grief is one of the most painful, complex, and human experiences we face. It touches nearly every part of our lives—not just after the death of a loved one, but in everyday moments of loss, transition, and change. And yet, many of us were never taught how to feel grief, let alone how to move through it.

We’re told to be strong. To “move on.” To put on a brave face. But avoiding grief won’t make it go away. In fact, avoiding it often makes it stronger, messier, and more consuming.

Grief doesn’t only show up in the wake of death. It comes when life changes in ways we didn’t ask for and don’t know how to navigate. As a therapist and as a person, I’ve seen grief take many forms—some visible, some quiet, and all valid.

You may be grieving if you've experienced:

• The emotional toll of working as a first responder or helping professional

• Anniversaries, birthdays, or new years that remind you of what’s changed

• Medication changes that affect your energy, mood, or sense of self

• Body changes—related to age, perimenopause, illness, or chronic disease

• Financial instability or shifts in financial independence

• Watching your child struggle with mental health, addiction, or identity

• Losing interest in hobbies you once loved

• Feeling like you no longer know who you are

• Hormonal changes and symptoms of perimenopause

• Being called names or misunderstood in ways that damage your self-worth

• Workplace trauma, burnout, or career loss

• The death of a loved one—human or animal

• Miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of a child

• Divorce or the end of a significant relationship

• Estrangement or cutoff from your children or other family members

• Loss of emotional or physical intimacy with a partner

• Unresolved trauma that resurfaces in unexpected ways

• The aging process and the slow shifting of who you used to be

The list could go on and on.

What I want you to know is this: Grief is normal. It is natural. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling it.

What If It's Not Depression or Anxiety—What If It's Grief?

I’ve worked with so many clients who come into therapy convinced that they must be depressed, anxious, angry, or unstable. They say things like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” or “I used to handle this kind of thing better.” But as we talk, what often emerges is grief. Unnamed, unvalidated, unresolved grief.

It’s so common to misdiagnose ourselves—or to be misdiagnosed by others—because our society doesn’t know how to handle grief. We equate healing with “getting over it,” and we equate pain with weakness. That makes us think we’re broken when we’re actually grieving.

But you’re not broken. You’re hurting. There’s a difference.

Why We Hide Our Grief

Despite how universal grief is, it’s rarely treated with compassion in our culture. I often hear people say things like:

• “Her husband died two years ago. Isn’t it time she moved on?”

• “You should be grateful your child is in a better place now.”

• “At least you still have other children.”

• “You didn’t know the baby yet—why are you so upset?”

These statements are not only dismissive—they’re harmful. They suggest that there’s a timeline for grief, or a hierarchy of loss, or a right way to mourn. And when we internalize those beliefs, we start to silence ourselves. We start to smile through pain, avoid social situations, or pretend we’re okay when we’re unraveling inside.

My Own Story of Grief

When my baby passed away, I was stunned by how grief swept over me like a storm. All the daydreams I had—of watching my child grow, laugh, live—vanished overnight. It felt like time had stopped for me, even as the world kept spinning. People went on with their lives. But mine had changed forever.

Some responses I received were compassionate. Others were shocking. One person asked me what I had done wrong to deserve this. Another said, “Well, he was still in utero, so it’s not like you really knew him.”

Their words stung, but what hurt more was the message underneath: that my grief didn’t count.

But it did. It does. I still grieve my son every day. I think of him. I have rituals for him. I carry him with me, even as I continue forward. My grief didn’t end—it changed form. It softened in some places, sharpened in others. And it taught me a great deal about what grief really is.

Grief Isn’t Just Pain. It’s Love Without a Place to Go.

One of the most healing insights I’ve come across comes from grief expert David Kessler, whose podcast Healing with David Kessler I highly recommend. He describes grief as an old friend sitting at the table—always with a place saved. At first, that idea challenged everything I believed. I was taught, like many of us, that grief was something to hide or “get over.” But when I began working with clients who were grieving, I saw the truth in it.

Grief doesn’t always come from death. Sometimes it comes from losing your identity after a divorce, or from watching your body change with illness or age. Sometimes it comes from an adult child cutting contact, or the quiet, aching loneliness of a marriage that lacks intimacy. The more my clients tried to avoid their grief, the more it pursued them—often disguised as anxiety, irritability, numbness, or exhaustion.

So What Can You Do With Grief?

You don’t need to go through this alone. There is no “fixing” grief—but there are ways to soften its sharpness and create space for it in your life.

1. Let It Be Witnessed

Grief must be witnessed to begin healing. If it isn’t, it will keep finding ways to tell its story—often through the body, through dreams, or through repeating emotional patterns. Whether in therapy, a support group, or a trusted relationship, naming your grief and being seen in it is the first step.

2. Find Meaning That Serves You

We are meaning-making creatures. After loss, we scramble for explanations: “It was my fault.” “I should have done more.” “I’m being punished.” These meanings often cause more harm than healing. In my own grief, I latched onto the belief that I had eaten something that killed my baby. That belief didn’t serve me—it only added shame.

In therapy, we can explore meanings that support your healing, not your self-blame.

3. Create New Rituals

Rituals help us feel connected to what we’ve lost. They also help us stay grounded in a world that no longer makes sense. Lighting a candle, keeping a journal, visiting a special place, creating art—these rituals can give your grief expression and dignity.

4. Understand Grief Is Not Linear

There is no timeline for healing. There’s no deadline. Some days will feel light. Others will knock you off your feet. That’s not failure—that’s grief.

You Are Not Alone

If you’re grieving right now, I want to say something clearly: There is nothing wrong with you. You are not too sensitive. You are not taking too long. You are grieving because you loved.

Grief is not a problem to be solved—it’s an experience to be honored.

If you feel overwhelmed by your grief, or if you’ve been carrying it silently for years, therapy can offer you a safe, compassionate space to finally let it breathe. You don’t have to carry it alone.

I’m here, and I would be honored to sit with you in it.