What to do during perimenopause: Breaking the Pattern of Self-Silencing in Perimenopause
Welcome to the podcast.
In this series, we’ll explore perimenopause through a unique lens—drawing from female wisdom across cultures, lived experiences, and identities. We'll look beyond just symptoms and science, and instead focus on how you can define your own version of health and claim your power during this transformative time.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist trained in systemic thinking, I bring a different perspective. While many podcasts focus on hormones, medications, and clinical terms, this space centers the emotional, social, and cultural systems that shape how we experience perimenopause—and how we’ve been taught to understand womanhood itself.
We’ll talk about hobbies, health, identity, nutrition, and so much more—all with a focus on insight and empowerment.
This podcast is created for all women—trans women, cisgender women, biological females, women of all ethnicities, disabled women, single or partnered—and for the people who love and support them.
Join me on this journey, and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s grow through this together.
Transcript:
Hello and welcome back to the What To Do During Perimenopause podcast. I’m Katherine Linscott, and today we’re talking about a deeply human — and very common — experience: self-silencing.
Almost every adult female client I’ve worked with has self-silenced at some point in their lives. When I name it, they’re often surprised. It’s something we do automatically, unconsciously, because we were taught to. But over time, the impact is profound — emotionally, physically, and relationally.
Let’s explore what self-silencing really is, why it’s so common in women, how it shows up during perimenopause, and how you can begin to reclaim your voice.
What Is Self-Silencing?
The closest concept I’ve found to self-silencing is fawning — and here’s why:
Self-silencing often comes from a deep drive to preserve a relationship, avoid conflict, or keep someone else happy. It’s a short-term strategy that focuses on safety in the moment, often without regard for the long-term cost to our mental health or sense of self.
A Quick Look at the Brain (and Why It Matters)
The human brain is honestly one of the coolest things ever — a big reason I chose this career. I get to geek out about brains without ever having to see blood!
Let’s break it down:
The prefrontal cortex gives us logic and reason.
The mammalian brain supports bonding and connection like orca whales do.
The reptilian brain (I know, this idea is way too simplified but, nonetheless) runs survival instincts like hunger, reproduction, and threat detection like we see crocodiles do (no connection, just survival).
Humans are wired for connection. But when trauma happens — especially chronic or developmental trauma — the brain rewires for protection.
Using Polyvagal Theory, we can understand how our nervous system responds to perceived danger:
The sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) activates during stress.
The parasympathetic nervous system helps us calm down afterward.
But when neither fighting nor fleeing feels safe (like in childhood trauma or abusive relationships), we often enter freeze or fawn mode.
Fawning is a blend of activation and shutdown — where your body is alert, but you default to appeasing and pleasing. It can become a lifelong pattern.
The Long-Term Impact of Fawning
In my work with adult survivors of childhood trauma, fawning is incredibly common. These individuals are often hyper-aware of others’ emotions, experts at reading micro-expressions, and deeply skilled at anticipating needs — all in the name of safety and connection.
But the consequences are steep:
Loss of identity
Poor boundaries
Codependent relationships
Chronic stress and physical illness
Self-silencing may have helped you survive. But it’s not a strategy for thriving.
Why Women Self-Silence More
Diving deeper, we see how, historically, girls have been taught to suppress every natural human need or authentic personality trait in order to become gentle, conforming, submissive, ladylike robots — ones who never pass gas, swear, or have an indecent thought:
Quiet
Polite
Pure
Emotionally restrained
Constantly available
It’s the original fawning — over a system that deemed women less-than. Generations of girls were conditioned to stay small in order to stay safe against husbands and men who could drown them, punish them, or rape them.
No wonder women self-silence.
Perimenopause Is a Turning Point
As a feminist and therapist, I believe perimenopause is a powerful time to rewrite this story.
Maybe you’ve used self-silencing to keep your household running, keep your partner comfortable, or keep peace with your kids. But perimenopause — the body’s natural shift away from fertility — is also an emotional shift away from self-sacrifice.
It’s time to stop self-silencing.
Therapy Tools to Reclaim Your Voice
So what does it actually look like to stop self-silencing?
I get this question all the time — and it’s exactly why I created this podcast. Most perimenopause resources focus on hormone levels, supplements, and medical language. Those are important, but they don’t tell the whole story.
Perimenopause is also about:
Needs
Habits
Patterns
History
Relationships
Reclaiming your voice might look like:
Setting boundaries (yes, even if they’re uncomfortable at first)
Asking for help
Using Fair Play cards with your partner to redistribute labor
Letting go of guilt when you can’t do everything
Saying no and meaning it
Not self-silencing means you stop denying yourself. It’s the opposite of fawning — and the beginning of embodiment.
What Will This Next Chapter Bring?
Perimenopause is not the end of anything. It’s a transformation — from creating life to being life.
So what does this life want to offer you?
New hobbies?
Real rest?
Friendships that feel mutual?
A deeper understanding of who you are?
Go find them. Unapologetically.
Still Struggling to Speak Up?
If setting boundaries or breaking out of fawning feels impossible, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to do it alone.
A well-trained marriage and family therapist can help. Ideally, look for someone who understands perimenopause and identity transitions. This directory is a good place to start, though not all therapists are listed there.
Final Thoughts
Thank you for joining me today. Next week, we’ll dive into relationships — the first in a series exploring symptoms and common experiences during perimenopause.
Until then: You matter. Your voice matters. And this chapter of your life has so much to give you — if you stop silencing yourself long enough to listen.
[ID: Every female in perimenopause needs a good hair expert, active hobby, experiential psychotherapist, and friends. She needs all the advocates she can get that empower her to be her own greatest advocate. Quote by Katherine Linscott, LMFT. End ID]