Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) Between Sessions

*Check out my Internal Family Systems page if you have never heard of IFS before. Below is for beginners on up but does not explain all the basics of IFS.

What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy?

A gentle guide to understanding your parts and healing from within

Whether IFS is your daily spiritual practice, a way to meditate, or the framework you trust to heal—it’s something everyone can learn and use on their own (with guidance from your therapist, of course).

Sometimes, we need to borrow our therapist’s Self energy before our inner world feels safe enough to trust our own. This guide is here to support you outside of session—to help you reconnect with your system and keep healing.

Let’s Start with the Basics

Hopefully by now you’ve seen the first Inside Out movie (and if not—go watch it, then come back!). It’s a great visual for understanding what IFS is all about.

But make no mistake: IFS isn’t just imaginative or symbolic. The parts inside you are real. And the work you can do with them? Lasting, powerful, and truly life-changing.

A Quick Recap of the Parts

Exiles
These parts carry the pain. They’ve been pushed down, ignored, or left unacknowledged. Exiles hold the core wounds—and they often need the most tenderness.

Protectors
These come in two categories: Managers and Firefighters. Their job is to protect you from feeling the pain of the exiles.

  • Managers
    These parts are proactive. They try to prevent pain before it happens. Most of what clients bring to therapy are manager parts trying to manage symptoms (e.g. “My marriage is struggling” rather than “I feel unloved”). Managers are hardworking and often mistrust Self because they’ve been doing all the heavy lifting for so long.

  • Firefighters
    Firefighters are reactive. They jump in once pain has been triggered, doing whatever it takes to stop it. This can look like panic attacks, shutting down, or suicidal thoughts. Firefighters are usually loaded with shame—but they are sweet, attentive, and trying their best. We never want to get rid of them. We want to heal the wounds they’re trying to protect.

How IFS Supports Emotional Healing

It’s common for clients early in the process to ask:

  • “What’s wrong with me?”

  • “Why can’t I stop doing this?”

  • “I hate that I feel this way…”

The truth? This isn’t because something’s wrong with you—it’s often polarization.

What Is Polarization?

Polarization happens when your parts are in conflict, working against each other, or blended into extreme positions. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, uses the analogy of a stormy sea. Imagine being on a boat in rough waters—everyone runs to different corners of the boat to stabilize it, but what actually makes it steady is coming together in the center.

Parts take on extreme roles because they think that’s what’s best for you. But most of them are stuck in the past. They haven’t updated to who you are now—and they’re still working from old beliefs tied to trauma.

This inner conflict can show up in many ways:

  • Panic attacks

  • Misunderstandings in relationships

  • Overreactions

  • Harmful behavior patterns

And when you add family systems, marriage, or parenting (and all their parts) into the mix, things can feel even more complicated. But the truth is: relationships and families are not inherently chaotic. It's burdened parts and polarization that create that feeling. And those parts always make sense.

Two IFS Exercises to Try in Daily Life

Here are two simple and accessible ways to connect with your parts. These are meant for folks who already have a little experience with IFS and are working with a therapist.

1. Meeting an Unacknowledged Part

Think of a part of you you’re aware of, but have never spoken to directly. Take a quiet moment, turn inward, and just acknowledge it. You don’t need to fix it—just let it know you see it. That recognition alone can reduce reactivity.

[ID: Focus on this feeling. Maybe it’s loud today or maybe it feels extra tight or big. What comes up for you? Any thoughts? And physical sensations (tight lungs, increased palpitations)? Go to that part of your body and be present. Is there a shape or color that you see? If you don’t see anything, how are you experiencing being closer to the reactive part? What does this part hold on to? What is it protecting? Let it know that you see it. Let it know you are sorry you did not come sooner but that you have the ability to be there for it now. Give it some appreciation for what it is doing for you. Promise it you will bring it to therapy soon and help it with whatever it needs. End ID]

2. When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

Overwhelm often means panic, anxiety, or deep depression. When you feel this way, try stepping back from the emotion and saying, “I see this part is overwhelmed.” Ask it to step back, if it’s willing, so you can listen. Use this only after you’ve begun building trust with your system in therapy.

[ID: First be aware of what feels overwhelmed right now. Is it panic about distance from a child? Is it feelings of not being good enough? Find this part. Is it close to your heart? Is it protecting your throat? Let this part know you are here. Ask it to take a step back because you want to see it better and help it. If it stepped back, thank it and let it know you will take it to therapy. If it didn't step back, reassure it that you can handle the pain. Reassure it that you know how to heal. Make sure it has its needs met. Does it need warmth? Does it need to be someplace happier? Take it to therapy. End ID]

What Does It Mean to Be Self-Led?

Society tells us being “healthy” means being happy, productive, wealthy, or fit. That’s a myth.

Life is messy. Things fall apart. You will lose your cool, feel fear, and forget how grounded you are.

Being Self-led doesn’t mean you’re perfect.
It means you’re coordinating your parts instead of being blended with them.

Here’s a personal example:
I have a part that gets on edge in crowded places. It doesn’t always smile. It might tell my child—again—to get back on the shopping cart. It’s not mean. It just knows danger is real.

If I’m blended with that part, I micromanage, snap at my kids, and assume everyone is a threat.
But if I’m Self-led, I notice the part, invite it to be with me, and bring in other parts too—like the one who sees things from my kids’ perspective, or the one tracking our budget.

Final Reminder: You Are Not Your Parts

If you feel bad about how you’re feeling, or hate something you just did—that’s a part. Ask it to step back. Let it know you’ll help it, but you need to be in Self to do so. These parts aren’t the enemy. They’re just tired from carrying too much for too long.

You are not broken. You are a system doing its best.
And you deserve to care for your system, not let your parts run the show alone.

If You’re Struggling

If you’re feeling suicidal, please call 988 or contact your therapist. IFS therapists are trained to unburden your pain and help your parts find new, life-affirming roles.


Grief isn’t always about death—it can come from change, distance, or losing a sense of who you are.
I'm Katherine Linscott, LMFT. I offer Grief Therapy for those navigating life shifts like emotional distance from family, identity loss, or transitions that leave you feeling untethered.

I also offer therapy for women 45+ and their support systems going through perimenopause.

This season of life is complex—but you don’t have to go through it alone. Learn more about me, or visit my Blog & Podcast or Homepage.

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